In memory of some very special beings and of this very difficult day since his little heart had no heartbeat. Today it has been seven years since this ultrasound, the first pregnancy I lost. After this loss between 2017 and 2019 I suffered two other miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. In this blog post I share with you some information which is found in my book The Endurance Test on how to deal with the grieving process.

Accept reality. It’s easier said than done. Accepting reality brings peace and is often the starting point for change. If it is necessary to replace our dreams with new dreams and feel peace and healing again, we have to accept reality. It is from here that we can have the peace of evaluating these circumstances, making the appropriate changes, and solving our problems.

How are we going to accept all these losses, changes, and problems? Not without a little kicking and screaming. But something more effective is a five-step process that we call the grieving process.

1. Denial

The first stage is denial. We do everything possible to leave things in their place or pretend that it is not happening. At this stage there is a lot of anxiety and fear. We obsess, control, and repress our feelings. Most of our “crazy” feelings are at this stage. We feel crazy because we lie to ourselves and because we believe the lies of others. Nothing makes us feel crazier than being lied to. Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change.

2. The anger

When we stop denying our loss, we move to the stage of anger. We may blame ourselves, God, or others.

3. Bargaining

Once we have calmed down, we try to attempt a bargaining with life, with ourselves, with the other person, or with God. If I do this or that, if the other person does this or that, then we will not suffer this loss. We are trying to prevent the inevitable.

4. Depression

When we see that our bargain has not worked we end up exhausted, we get sad, and sometimes we end up terribly depressed. This is the essence of mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been trying to avoid at all costs. This is the time to cry and it hurts.

5. Acceptance

This is it. After having closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance. It is not resignation, nor loss of hope, nor giving up. It is the beginning of the end of the fight. It is not a stage of happiness, it is rather a stage without emotion. There is no more anger, the fight is over, we are at peace with what it is. We feel free to stay, to go on, or to make any decision we have to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss. We have faith that everything will be fine and we have grown with this experience. We stop running, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is from this point that when we can move forward.

This is how people accept things. It’s not comfortable. It’s actually awkward and maybe painful. At times we mat feel confused, vulnerable and lonely. But we must remember that although in many ways we are fragile, the reality is that we are sturdy beings. We can accept changes and losses at our own pace and in our own way. Only God could determine how long it takes.

After the storm always comes a calm. Here is a picture of my two rainbow babies. Gianluca arrived on December 17, 2020 and Valentina on July 20, 2022. Both were super healthy pregnancies and they are both growing up healthy and happy.